Easter Sunday

"But as for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and he will stand upon the earth at last. And after my body has decayed yet in my body I will see God!" Job 19:25

Its Easter Sunday. My friends and family are headed off to church. I am getting He is risen texts and see it all over social media accounts as well, I even respond with the correct response. My husband just sent me a text of most of the family in their Easter gear ready to head off to church, gear I picked out months in advance. And yet here I sit, on my living room floor, second espresso in hand, ripped jeans and white tshirt and tears streaming down my face.  You all, my heart is sad and I am tired. 

I read over my past few months of blogs and facebook entries and texts to friends and I am realizing how far I have slipped and how far away from God I am. Some how in the last few months of what we have termed here "survival mode" I have let go of the only rope that could actually save me.  And have continually tried to do it on my own strength, Hawkins strength. Can I just say that is impossible.  Hawkins strength will get me tired and sad and wondering how to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I could stay here, ruminate on all the reasons it happened, but the reality is that isn't what I want heard today.

It is not ironic that today, Easter Sunday is the day I open my eyes and look around and see how far I have gone, and not in the right direction. Because today, Easter Sunday is the day we celebrate the only way to get back to where I want to be, safe in the arms of a loving God.

When I was in junior high, I had the best Sunday School teacher in the world.  We loved her so much. And I am going to leave you with one story she told to demonstrate our need for relationship with God.

There once was a man and woman, so in love and doing all they could to spend time together. She would climb up into the cab of his truck and slide all the way over the bench seat until she was snuggled up under his arm, and she would ride like that wherever they went.  The years went by and at some point, she stopped sliding over the bench seat and just stayed by the window.  One day she looked at him and said, "how come we don't ride around like we used to, with your arm safe around me?" and He replied "I am not the one who moved."

Are you dried up? Are you weary? Do you find yourself able to tell the Easter Story in your sleep, but for whatever reason it just doesn't grip you like it should? Maybe today, this beautiful Easter Sunday you can find yourself sliding a little closer to God on the bench seat.