Strength

This was my facebook post yesterday:
Three weeks ago almost this exact minute I got a call that changed my life. A call I didn't think I was strong enough to say yes to but a call my mama's heart couldn't say no to. I don't feel strong enough still. When people say "I couldn't do it" I want to cry because I can't either, not yet, not without God preparing my heart, just as He had to prepare our heart for the first yes and the second and all the yeses that got us to this. We aren't strong. We aren't amazing. We love this little being as much as if I had birthed her. So for now I pretend this is forever, because that is all I am strong enough for right now. 

Sometimes I think God has a funny sense of humor.  When you say, "I can pretend it is forever, and that is all I am strong enough for", He might say, "I am asking you to let go when it is time." And then you just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Or at least that was my reaction this morning when I heard a little more of "Little Puddin's" story from the social worker .  The thing with foster care is that NOTHING is set in stone, at least foster care in Kansas. Now we wait, but for how long we don't know.  Things could change next week, or 6 months from now, or it could all fall apart and she could still be with us long term. So my default has to adjust back to, "we will love her as long as she gets to stay and carry her with us the rest of our lives". But, it's not easy, and today, without Him, I am definitely not strong enough.



"Care for the flock that God has entrusted to you. Watch over it willingly, not grudgingly- not for what you get out of it, but because you are eager to serve God." 1 Peter 5:2